


Changing (For the Best)

by antisocialheadphoneskid



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, HONESTLY THE BONE JUMPING THING IS USED LIKE. TWICE OR SMTH, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss, based of a fuckin SONG, sure!, the use of the phrase "bone jumping" SO much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 01:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17254853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antisocialheadphoneskid/pseuds/antisocialheadphoneskid
Summary: It's a happy new year,Here I am againRiding in my carAnd this time I can't pretend that we are friendsWe're not friends, friends don't do the things we didAnd the ones you've done since thenMake me think we've never been--





	Changing (For the Best)

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR I MADE GAY ART WHERE I KISSED MY BF SO JEREMY IF U SEE THIS ILY!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH!!! u mean the world to me i cant believe. im jus tjashdfsufheofjsefsefgjdkg
> 
> this is based around the song new year's eve by mal blum, check them out, they have some seriously good songs!!!!!!!!!!!! and just like. hope u like it?? im very happy rn ok ok ok

Michael was in a lot of deep shit.

 

Well, he was in _some_ deep shit. The other half was being horrendously bitter and angry at Jeremiah Heere.

 

Focus on the guacamole. It’s New Year’s Eve, and he had a party he had to go to.

 

“Couldn’t even pick up the fucking phone and call me,” he muttered under his breath, now peeling avocados tensely. Stupid Jeremy. Stupid party. Stupid outfit. Really; an outfit comprising his iconic hoodie, battered jeans, and a t-shirt. Underwhelming and out of place for a “big” party (really, it was just a get together) like this. His attitude was so shitty, and he absolutely knew this, and absolutely loathed it.

 

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and stopped peeling the avocados. “It’s gonna be a party. Party, Michael.” _Let’s party._

 

Except every time he thought about New Year’s, it led back to last year’s party. The party he kissed Jeremy for the first time.

 

And there was _more_ , which made the memory seem like a joke. There was always a party between just the eight of them at Jake and Rich’s apartment on New Year’s, and half of them were drunk, the others probably throwing up somewhere. Bad shrimp, maybe? He vaguely remembered shrimp being there. Neither he nor Jeremy went near it. It had become habit to not eat a lot of non-kosher food, really, so he didn’t know.

 

This was also the party where they ended up stumbling back to their apartment and ended up losing their virginity… To each other. He probably should have stopped thinking about it every waking minute of his life since it happened months ago, but what can you do? Especially when the person you had sex with won’t even talk about it. And is also you best friend.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Another deep breath in. It was just another thing to forget in the new year- _twentybiteen_. He couldn’t really remember where he heard that, but it was fitting. 2018 was one hell of a year, and leaving it behind was good enough for him. Welcome, new year.

 

He finished making the guacamole in silence, not even sure why he was making it in the first place. Maybe it mattered, maybe it didn’t. He really just didn’t want to feel useless again. Especially because of the disaster that keeps him up at night from a year ago.

 

Feeling the alarm for him to hit the road was almost a relief. Jumping into his car, he hummed out a tune he thought out into existence, quietly, as he scrolled through his music playlist.

 

 _“Here’s to nothing ever changing… If it were, then I’d be parting ways with all the bad habits I found…”_ A little edgy, but fitting. After all, his last New Year’s Resolution was to finally get all his feelings off his chest to Jeremy, even if he got rejected. He owed himself that, at least. Then he screwed it up, but he partially blames Jeremy for that, too.

 

He really couldn’t say why he kept hanging around Jeremy when they couldn’t even talk about what happened. They didn’t even set up a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of thing, which he was grateful for. He didn’t know if he could stand that. But all that happened was Jeremy just asking him to forget it happened and… that he was sorry?

 

Michael said okay. But he never forgot.

 

He put his bad feelings playlist on and started driving. It was an insanely short drive-- he just didn’t want to walk and have to think, and end up getting hit by a car because he was so caught up in his thoughts. Also, it was colder than hell outside, especially since, well, New Year’s Eve.

 

He got out, got his guacamole (did anyone even like guacamole?), and headed up to the apartment. Immediately, Jake greeted him, wheeling his way back to avoid being hit by the door. Their cat, Princess Bitchface, sat on his lap. Michael jumped at the noise-maker Jake blew, definitely not expecting that.

 

“Jesus! Hi, Jake,” he sighed, smiling despite himself. Jake just beamed back, wheeling around so Michael could enter.

 

“‘Sup! Happy New Year’s, Mike.”

 

“Hm. I guess it is a Happy New Year. Anyone else here yet?” He shoved his shoes off, b-lining towards the kitchen to set down the green monstrosity he was seriously starting to regret making.

 

“Yo, Mikey!” Rich appeared next to him in a heap, but at least he didn’t get _jumped_. “Jer’s here, if you uh…”

 

“Where?” Michael tensed at that, but tried not showing it on his face. Of course Rich knew what was going on. It was obvious, especially after a year of this bullshit. “Your apartment isn’t that big.”

 

Rich shot him a worried look, but stood back and crossed his arms. Seriously, he still wore “bro” tanks? It’s been 3 years since they were juniors. You’d think he’d change his wardrobe by now, but then again, neither had Michael. “Uh… Somewhere in the living room, I think? Maybe went to the bathroom. Dunno. Chlo and Brooke are already on their way, but haven’t heard from Chris and Jen yet. Anyway, Happy New Year, man!”

 

Ouch. His back was going to be permanently red, wasn’t it? No matter what he thought, he stopped when Jeremy stepped through the door.

 

Jeremy froze as well, looking at him like a deer in headlights at first, before breaking into a grin. “Hi, Micah.”

 

“Hey, Jer.” Fuck his feelings. This was still his best friend, no matter what happened between them. He plastered on a semi-real smile and was proud he even got that. If Jeremy saw through him, he didn’t mention it, but _something_ passed through his eyes.

 

Just like that, the tension broke, just like it always did when Michael was face-to-face, actually _talking_ with Jeremy. It was easy to forget about your problems when you’re talking with your best friend. So that’s what he did.

 

All the way up until the countdown.

 

Everyone was here, everyone only slightly _less_ drunk than last year. Michael only made that guess because there was more _loud_ than just plain stupid, unsafe drunken stunts-- Rich serenading his cat (still in Jake’s lap) by loudly singing that meme song by Celine Dion, Christine, Jenna, Brooke, and Chloe all sitting in a circle blasting music to combat Jake’s own and playing board games. Then there was Michael and Jeremy, sitting in the kitchen, jamming out to Michael’s own music, stumbling around the room, giggling. He was definitely getting _hazy,_  if that’s a valid way to describe emotions. It was loud and chaotic and full of so much life that he almost forgot that it wasn’t just a party, but that there was a reason he was there with his friends, having a blast.

 

“Ten!” Oh. _Oh._  Right. He froze a bit at hearing the countdown, and so did Jeremy, only Jeremy started counting down as well.

 

“Nine!” Michael heard Chloe _shriek_ from the room over, and peaking into the living room, saw that Christine had jumped onto her back.

 

“Eight!” Rich was still serenading Princess Bitchface. Michael was 50% sure that Jake had fallen asleep in his wheelchair.

 

“Seven!” Oh Jesus, Jeremy was _Fortnite dancing_ now. Did he really love this boy? Was this fucking real?

 

“Stop fucking Fortnite dancing Jeremiah Heere!” He had to shout over the din of the countdown, but the look on Jeremy’s face was so happy and bright that he almost ignored the time ticking down, forgot they just said six.

 

“Make me, Michael Mell!” There was five, but he was only paying attention to Jeremy.

 

“Maybe I will, _puta!_ ” Four, and an over-dramatic gasp that made Michael laugh so hard he saw stars.

 

“Three!”

 

“We’re gettin’ pretty close, you gonna do something yet?” Two, and Jeremy moved closer, grinning down at him.

 

“I don’t know. _Make me._ ”

 

 _“One!”_ One, and Jeremy leaned down and kissed him. Michael froze, shut down, stopped computing, _whatever_.

 

Kissing people on New Year’s was supposed to be fun. He was supposed to feel _happy_. Why wasn’t he happy with this? This was what he’s wanted for 7 years. He’s been wanting his feelings reciprocated since 7th grade, and yet…

 

And yet…

 

“Happy New Year’s, Mikey.” Was muttered into his hair, Jeremy hugging him tight. “I.. I just... You looked... Lonely? I-- Well...”

 

This was wrong. This was _wrong._  It wasn’t fun, he wasn’t happy because Jeremy was _pitying_ him.

 

There was so much noise from the living room. Everyone was screaming, drunk off their asses, but Michael only felt painfully sober and painfully empty.

 

“Thanks,” he found himself saying, and the smile on his face was _not real._  “Happy New Year, Jer. _Mahal na mahal kita. Putanginamo._ ”

 

He walked off with that. There was too much anger boiling up in him to handle being around Jeremy right then, and he needed to _get out_.

 

His outfit still sucked, only now he couldn’t find it in himself to care. shutting the bathroom door and locking it was the only thing that brought him back to his senses, and really, _another_ bathroom? Really? On tonight of all nights?

 

“Get it out, get it out, get it out,” He smacked his head, devolving into lighter taps. Too much… _everything_ was in his brain, and he was about to have a complete meltdown. “Focus. Positives. His sweater. His music. His posters. Cute shirts. Laptop stickers. Matching tattoo. Pretty eyes. Nice lips, _fuck_.”

 

It was better than thinking about the awful. How Jeremy was fundamentally bad to be around, all because he can’t get over a stupid crush.

 

Could you blame him for wanting to be around his best friend on one of the only times during the year you’re supposed to be close to others? They made a promise to be friends forever when they were younger, and honestly, if he was only going to be heartbroken like this, he’d try to stamp out any feelings sooner.

 

His mind calmed so quickly that he got vertigo. Jeremy was still his best friend. That wasn’t going to change, and he knew that. What _could_ change was how he saw it, and how he saw himself.

 

He was Jeremy’s best friend. Period. No more than that, and if Jeremy gets that message, the better. If he looked at it like that, then it really was a Happy New Year’s, unlike all the rest.

 

Change terrified him. He didn’t know how to deal with change always, and that was a constant. As he slid down the side of the bathtub, he realized, rather belatedly, that he _was_ changing, for better or for worse.

 

Michael closed his eyes, head rolling to rest against the wall. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t forget what they did last year.

 

 _Then stop pretending,_ a voice said in his head. He stood up, splashed water on his face, and exited the bathroom. Everyone was passed out in the living room, or at least mostly everyone. Princess Bitchface now slept in the middle of the pile that was everyone, except Jeremy and Michael. Jeremy stretched out on the couch, fast asleep. How long was he gone?

 

 _Long enough for the guacamole to go bad. Shame._ The voice in his head was stupid, but it had a point. He sighed, picking up the guacamole container, and looking back to the living room one last time, shut the front door behind him, shoving his shoes on. Even though he had a better state of mind, he still wanted to be alone and able to think. He didn’t want to let Jeremy down with his feelings. He didn’t want to let _himself_ down, especially.

 

As he walked down to his car again, he held his phone tightly, scrolling through his contacts aimlessly as it stopped on Jeremy. He never once called Michael back, the entire year. And he knew Michael called him. Why did he lie? The amount of questions Michael had was starting to seriously pile up. In a short burst of anger, he punched out a text to Jeremy, passed out or not.

 

**_me  
_** _you do know that checking the time makes your call go through right_  
  
_whyd you lie to me and why do you never call me back anymore_

 

He unlocked his car, and threw his phone into the passenger seat, not bothering to look at it again. The engine turned over as the keys jangled in the ignition, and Michael finally made his way home. What a damn night. It was 2am already, and the exhaustion coming over him was nothing to laugh at.

 

When he got back to his apartment he just… Sat. He sat there, and he sat, and he sat more. Because it hit him that he couldn’t pretend anymore. That included pretending that Jeremy and him were just friends.

 

**_me_  
** _im. sick of this_

_were not “just friends” anymore are we ?_

_shit, youre passed out on richs couch_

_and yet._

 

He paused, breathing deeply, head against the steering wheel.

 

_friends dont do the shit we did, jeremy_

_idk if we have been for a while either_

 

Was this night ever going to end? (Question 70 added to the list.) He trudged up the stairs to his apartment, and immediately broke out more alcohol, like driving home semi-drunk helped anything. It’s like those nameless people say: alcohol can fix your problems, probably. Michael’s problem is how jealous he is of any guy who Jeremy starts dating, how he can’t stand being near him when he’s with his “boyfriend.”

 

He set his glass down again, and laid flat against the floor, staring up at the ceiling.

 

This was dumb, he was dumb, whatever. Either way, this was the best and also worst night of his life, and he didn’t know how to deal with that.

 

“M-Micah?” Who the HELL is in his apartment at 2am what the fuck. _Who’s the only person who calls you_ Micah _, dumbass?_

 

Ah yes, the last person he wanted to see. He should at least be high for this. Definitely stoned. Good combination with the alcohol in his system.

 

He lolled his head to the side, seeing Jeremy, drunk and clinging to the doorframe to Michael’s apartment. And he was covered entirely in glitter. Why does he miss the fun shit all the time?

 

There was a long silence, he guessed, because Jeremy started talking again. “I… I got your messages.”

 

Michael grunted in response, rolling his head away so he didn’t have to look at Jeremy anymore. “Did you come here to pity me more? Like that kiss was?”

 

“I came to say I’m sorry.”

 

Well, well, well. “Youre almost a year too late for that apology, Jer.”

 

“What--” And it finally sunk in. “Oh. _Oh.”_

 

He sat up, still not looking at Jeremy, but glared in his general direction anyway. “That’s your only fucking response? I’ve been dealing with the fact that _you jumped my bones_ and acted like it never fucking happened and asked me to forget about it for a fucking _year_ , Jeremy!”

 

“N-no, I--”

 

“Seriously, you saw my calls, too! What the fuck were you doing? You never once picked up, and I never thought to tell you--”

 

“Micah--”

 

“--’cause I just thought it was because you were busy! But now? You fucking kiss me on New Year’s Eve? What the hell have you been doing for the past twelve fucking months? Do--”

 

“Mikey, please--”

 

“--you like me or not, Jeremy? It’s an easy fucking answer--”

 

“Michael--”

 

“--That you could have answered without _breaking my heart twelve months ago!”_

 

Holy shit. He yelled at Jeremy. He said all of that. It needed to get out, yes, but now he was terrified of himself. He didn’t want to be abusive. He didn’t want it to start a cycle. He loved Jeremy so, _so_ fucking much, and now his throat was closing up, and his chest was tight--

 

“I kissed you because I wanted to tell you that I like you.” Michael’s head snapped up, watching Jeremy now with wide eyes. He looked ready to shrink in on himself and disappear. “But I didn’t know how, and I remembered… last year… and I… I acted. In the worst way possible. And I’m sorry for that, I shouldn’t have, and I should know that. I owe you an apology for… for everything. Please.”

 

“Why’d it take you a year to think to apologize?” His voice sounded so quiet, so hurt, that he almost winced. Jeremy definitely did.

 

“Because I thought it’s what you wanted. To forget. Look- just… just come sit. Sit down with me?” Michael did, slumping against the couch cushions vaguely facing Jeremy. “That was honestly the best night of my life. I’d never wanted anything more, and I thought that’s how you felt too, so when I woke up and saw how you looked terrified… I…”

 

“You… Thought I regretted it?” Oh. That was something.

 

He nodded stiffly. “Definitely. I thought you didn’t want to go that far, that you were just drunk and you didn’t actually want to kiss _me_ , a million different things. I… I was so scared that you- you’d hate me or something. So I asked if you’d just forget it happened.

 

“It doesn’t- it doesn’t mean it was right,” He was rambling now, kneading his hands into the fabric of his cardigan. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and… And I fucked up everything. I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but that’s what I did. I.. I just… Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

 

Michael sat. And he sat. He really, _really_ sat there for a long time, before saying, “I was scared you regretted it. That’s why I woke up terrified. I thought maybe you were drunk and didn’t care, but when you woke up, realized you didn’t want that.”

 

Jeremy blinked owlishly, trying to speak multiple times but failing to. “You- you… Really?”

 

The smile on his face was sheepish at best. “So… I think we’re both dumbasses here, huh?”

 

The spell was broken. Jeremy smiled back, small as it was, and laughed. “Yeah. We are.”

 

“Yeah. I’m still pissed at you, though. Thought Squip was just gonna...”  
  
  


“Optic nerve block you? I don’t think they’ve got enough juice for that. But… It’s understandable. It was a pretty shitty thing to do, so… Be as mad as you wanna be. Hit me if you need to…?” Michael mulled it over, and leaned forward. Jeremy tensed as if he was going to be hit, and hit he did. With Michael’s lips. On his.  
  
  


“Oh,” he whispered softly, looking starstruck. Michael’s heart did a little flip at that, and he smiled wider.  
  
  


“I don’t think I need to. You’ll have to make it up to me still, but… Maybe going out with me instead of just jumping my bones can do that.”  
  
  


Jeremy nodded quickly, kissed him again, and Michael hugged him so hard that it had to hurt. He deserved it, just a little. 

   
  
"Do you have to use the phrase jumping your bones?" Okay, romantic shit over, he was going to strangle him.  
  
  


_"Jeremy Heere--"_  
  
  


"I'm serious! You keep using it, and it's _really_ hard not to just start laughing--"

 

"You ruined the fucking moment!"

 

But he was laughing, he was laughing so hard, and the thing that had tormented him for twelve long months had disappeared, and his chest was lighter again. Lighter because he still couldn't believe how dumb he was, and how Jeremy was an idiot. He still was working through the pain of being left ignored and shoved to the side, but they could work on that, together. They had come so far from the kids they'd once been, and it truly was for the best.  
  
  


_Happy New Year, for better or for worse._

**Author's Note:**

> find me on the tunglor @retrocartridge and @autisticmell :D
> 
> this is... like. my favorite thing ive written. i love this song and i love mal blum so YEEHAW now u have it
> 
> tbh i think the ending is a bit rushed, but im trying to get it out as soon as i can after new year happened. so AAA i may come back and make it better, whom knows
> 
> either way thanks 4 reading ily


End file.
